I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He passed out mid-signature
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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