I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
