Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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