Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I love you. Go after that dick
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
