she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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