dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
