so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
