i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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