in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
