We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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