I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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