I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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