i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
