Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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