How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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