He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
