He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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