he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
