GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
