new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
