I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
