Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
