This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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