he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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