I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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