I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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