Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.