I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
