I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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