Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
