yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
