Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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