Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.