I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...