thus making me awesome and them whores
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
