i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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