She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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