i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I fill condoms, not promises.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
