I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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