you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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