??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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