i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
