i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
