Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
