i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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