But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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