now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
