I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
