you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
