Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
