apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
