its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
