All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
