I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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