sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!