took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.