The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?